Can't seem to stick a label on your relationship? You might be in a situationship
While a situationship can be difficult to navigate, some relationship experts say there are benefits
You may have heard the term situationship recently. Maybe you're in one. Maybe you've been in one and didn't even know it. Maybe you heard someone mention the word and have no clue what it means.
The word can be hard to define. Situationships are, by nature, hard to define relationships — and they're defined by that lack of definition, says Jessica Maxwell.
"There are aspects of romantic relationship intimacy, as well as a lot of passion, but what's lacking is the commitment and the clear label," Maxwell, an assistant professor at McMaster University who researches interpersonal relationships and sexuality, told Just Asking host Saroja Coelho.
"That seems to be kind of, I'd say, the agreed-upon definition of the situationship."
Some relationship experts say situationships may not be a totally new concept, but they've entered the zeitgeist, and can be challenging to navigate.
"So many of us have been there, we know someone who's been in that situationship and it's a very, are they or aren't they?" said relationship expert and columnist Jen Kirsch.
Are situationships new?
Not exactly. People have found themselves in relationships that they couldn't easily explain to their friends and family for a long time.
Remember in the early days of Facebook, when you could label your relationship status as "It's complicated"? It's kind of like that.
According to Maxwell, people have been talking about situationships since as early as 2009, and likely even before.
"Anecdotally, we all seem to think it's something that's, like, very new — very era of Tinder and online dating. But situationships have existed for a long time," said Maxwell.
What we're seeing, Maxwell says, is wider use of the term and, though it's hard to quantify, potentially more people finding themselves in situationships.
"Given the rise of online dating, people are less willing to commit. So, I think perhaps even though the term might not be new, the levels that we're seeing them happen could be new," said Maxwell.
Is that just a friend with benefits? Kind of, according to Maxwell.
"If you're taking kind of a pure definition of friends with benefits, you would have a true friendship first before adding sex in as a bonus. Whereas people have said instead a situationship is more that you have a sexual relationship and the emotions come in as an added bonus," she said.
Who are situationships for?
While it's a term you might hear all over social media, situationships can span generations.
"I'm an empty nester now and, and have been separated for 10 years. So there's been lots of dating happening, but I've started to really come to value that shorter relationships can still be really meaningful," said Scott Tammik, 53, of Toronto.
Anecdotally, Maxwell says she has spoken to middle-aged people who are finding themselves in situationships.
"They've already maybe done the marriage thing, or they're not interested in maybe hitting certain milestones," said Maxwell.
"Whereas typically you see a little bit more negative perceptions around situationships for young people who kind of feel like they're forced into them rather than something that they chose themselves."
Is a situationship right for me?
Well, that's up to you.
For some people, Kirsch says a situationship is exactly what the relationship doctor ordered.
She says it can be a space where people can feel the intimacy they're looking for, while feeling safer than they would seeking that intimacy from a stranger. It can also be a safe space after the end of a serious relationship.
But it's not for everybody.
"I think the biggest issues, and why situationships tend to predominantly have a negative connotation, is the fact that there's always someone that wants it a little more," said Kirsch, who is based out of Toronto.
That person "feels like they're put on the back burner and they know, possibly, that they should end it and they're just staying in hopes that they could fix something."
How to move past a situationship
So, what do you do if you're the one who wants to move out of a situationship and into something more serious?
"If you are open to having the conversation, a great way is to just do it," said Kirsch.
Kirsch says it's also OK to text the question if you don't want it to be so serious.
"The thing with a text message is you leave space for someone to take time to respond how they want to. You're not putting them on the spot," said Kirsch.
"Just ask.... What do you think about this? Do you see a future? Do you want commitment?"
Maxwell says you do have to be careful when approaching a situationship. People who crave a deep and committed relationship should try to avoid a situationship by being upfront about what they're looking for.
"If you see someone who wants a situationship, and you know yourself deep down ... that's not gonna work for you, it might be just better to potentially avoid that altogether and keep pursuing what you do want," said Maxwell.
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Produced by Kristen De Jager
