These Ontario moms keep a lasting connection after Facebook post leads to surrogate pregnancy
Karen Scutt, Cindy Gilbank remain close friends after Gilbank carried a child for Scutt
Two and a half years ago, Karen Scutt of Toronto posted on Facebook that she was looking for a surrogate mom.
Scutt was dealing with the painful knowledge that she would not be able to carry another child, but didn't suspect her online plea would lead anywhere, as she shared with CBC News in 2020 — especially to finding Cindy Gilbank, who would ultimately become her surrogate.
"There was somewhere like between 800 and 1,000 shares, and the only recognizable name was somebody named John Gilbank, who said, 'Hey Karen, message me. My wife's always wanted to do this,'" said Scutt.
John and Scutt had attended university together, so Scutt took a chance and got in touch with the Gilbanks to meet for the first time at a park with their kids — the start of their journey together.
"She was very prepared. Their kids are really well behaved, but they're fun," Scutt says of that first meeting with Gilbank. "They've done a great job raising children and you can tell she just naturally leans in to motherhood — that's the kind of vibe you want of someone carrying your baby."
Gilbank, a mother of four who lives about a three-hour drive from Scutt in Corunna, Ont., said she knew "right off the bat" she wanted to help Scutt and her husband have a baby.
"I have two boys and then I had twin girls, and I always thought about having four kids, but I only had three pregnancies," she said. "I was missing that fourth pregnancy because I didn't realize I was only going to end up having three, so that's why I wanted to do the surrogacy because I needed to fulfil that need to have another pregnancy."
Bond during pregnancy
Over about a year, the two women co-ordinated hospital and doctor visits. The planning involved a lot of travel, especially for Scutt.
In Canada, surrogates are gestational carriers, meaning their DNA is never part of the fetus.
Scutt said she paid about $10,000 in travel, medication and various appointments — it did not, however, include paying the surrogate, which contravenes Canadian law.
Under the Assisted Human Reproduction Act, it is illegal to pay a surrogate, but it's legal to reimburse the person for pregnancy-related expenses such as additional food, clothing, vitamins and any transportation costs incurred while travelling to medical appointments.
Gilbank said she needed to go through several assessments to become a surrogate.
Both women also hired independent lawyers to prepare a 40-page surrogacy contract.
"She had a lawyer and I had a lawyer, and we kind of went back and forth until everything was sorted out, and we went from there," said Gilbank, adding it wasn't a difficult process, though she recommends hiring a lawyer who specializes in surrogacy.
During the nine months Gilbank carried Scutt's baby, the two became closer, sharing daily updates together.
Scutt said her friend was open and caring to her, after Scutt's last pregnancy resulted in a traumatic stillbirth of a daughter.
"[Gilbank] is a very warm, mothering type person," said Scutt. "I think she knew that she wasn't just taking care of my baby, and of course herself in that moment, but she was also taking care of me a little bit."
'I knew that I needed to be friends with the couple that I had the baby for because I would like to see her grow up, whereas other surrogates, they're lucky to get a card a year or even a phone call or meet after the baby is born when they're basically cut out because their job is over," said Gilbank.
"I guess everybody has different needs, and both Karen's needs and my needs are still being met with this relationship we built."
"We also just like each other," joked Scutt.
Gilbank gave birth to Scutt's daughter on Oct. 22, 2021. The two women were together in the delivery room and the days after, giving Gilbank some special time with the baby.
"Because we had the four kids and we knew we all along we were having four kids, we knew our family was complete," she said. "But it was nice because not a lot of surrogates get to spend time with baby in hospital or after, and our story is a little bit different because my husband and Karen's husband didn't come to the hospital for the birth."
The two women and their families have stayed connected ever since. Gilbank even pumped breast milk for the baby months after giving birth.
Baby's middle name is Cindy, after surrogate
Scutt and her husband named their daughter Molly Cindy Clemens. Her middle name is an homage to the woman who carried her.
"When she's old enough to understand, I'm going to explain to her what happened, and explain to her about her sister that didn't make it and how she ended up being grown in Cindy, and what Cindy and John did for us and their whole family, really, because they all had to pitch in when she was sick and pregnant," said Scutt.
Molly is 13 months old, and the families have taken a few trips together, and go back and forth every once in a while to stay connected.
"I hope she views her sort of like Aunt Cindy and Uncle John. And I hope we continue the tradition of going," said Scutt.
"I get lots of baby snuggles when we do see them," said Gilbank.
"I don't talk to her daily or anything like that, but when we get together, I would view her as a niece, and same with her son as well — he's a nephew, and I guess that's the relationship we're going to have. I'm aunty Cindy."
Scutt said she's grateful for their surrogacy journey.
"I think there's a lot of people who really wouldn't know they enjoy this experience and the lifelong bond and how it changes you fundamentally to go through something like this."
