How challenging is it to make friends as an adult?
Challenges and lengths people will go to make friends
The threads of Reddit and other social media forums in Saskatoon are sprinkled with pleas for pals, sharing the difficulties of making friends as an adult and asking for tips on how to meet friends.
As a journalist, I've lived in six cities over the past decade. I've often thought about how a lot of time and energy is required to make meaningful friendships when you're an adult, especially when you're living all over the place.
So I went on a quest to look at the challenges of meeting friends as an adult.
My starting point was an unlikely one. I went to Whitney Matthews' house for tea.
'Date people to be your friends'
Matthews is bubbly, kind and somebody you would never think would have any trouble making friends.
But when Matthews moved home to Saskatoon after living out of province, she found herself in a bit of a friend predicament.
"I started working in a male-dominated industry… I knew that I wanted to meet new people, but it's definitely strange having to start over, start to date people to be your friends," Matthews told me with a laugh.
She joined a friends meetup site, but it took her three years to build up the courage to join or start a group. Matthews ended up organizing a coffee gathering at a local coffee shop.
Why is it hard to make friends as an adult?
There are dozens of friend meetups in Saskatoon and several other mid-to-large sized cities across Canada.
I checked out a Saskatoon meetup for fans of sci-fi films. One of its members, Kristen MacLean, told me she belongs to 17 meetup groups.
"I just had enough of being at home…and not really getting out," said MacLean.
Laura Wright, a sociology professor at the University of Saskatchewan who studies the transition to adulthood, said it's not surprising that so many people are using friend sites, as it's markedly more difficult to make friends as an adult than as a child.
Social networks increase until young adulthood, but when you reach late 20s or early 30s, the reverse starts to happen, according to Wright.
"I think it's harder to make friends as an adult partly just for structural reasons. You're not in a class together. You're not surrounded by people exactly like you," said Wright.
Now vs. then
As for whether it's harder to make friends now compared to 30 years ago, Wright says the research shows it is indeed becoming a more challenging feat.
"We're seeing more and more people have to live across the country or communities because these jobs are in very different places. Those more peripheral large social networks you probably developed in your teenagehood, in your adolescence, are gone," said Wright.
And that brings us back to Matthews, who experienced a post-move friendship void.
They knew at 1st glance
The first person who showed up at Matthews' coffee meetup date was Emily Prager.
"We kind of make those eyes, like, 'Are you here to meet me or someone else?' " said Matthews.
Just like in actual dating, there was an immediate connection between the two.
Matthews said she knew they would be friends at that first meetup and Prager couldn't agree more.
"It was those awkward first meetup date eyes, we knew," Prager said, laughing.
Mutual interests and making it a priority to hang out has made this friendship stick.
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