Tradition be damned: these Christmas treats are way past their best-before date

This piece originally published Dec. 15, 2022.

This opinion piece is by Craig Silliphant, a writer, editor, critic, broadcaster and creative director based in Saskatoon.

For more information about CBC's Opinion section, please see the FAQ.

Sweet treats at Christmas are a pillar of tradition at a time of year where tradition means everything. Whether it's baking, candy or chocolate, food is a way people show and experience love. Aromas and flavours can evoke memory, transporting you back to moments you cherish.

So why are we passing off archaic foods from Europe in the Middle Ages as holiday treats?

In my controversial opinion (which garners me a healthy amount of side-eye) a lot of classic holiday foods are past their due dates. Many so-called seasonal delicacies harken back to ye olden times, before we had extravagances like cheesecake, fudge or, you know, sugar.

The biggest offender is Christmas pudding. It's a dry brick of dense stale bread, with those nasty little green cherries in it. You pour on a weird sauce that doesn't know if it's gravy or caramel just to soften it enough to choke it down.

I wouldn't be surprised if this year's pudding was served at the actual Jesus manger, handed down for 2,000 years to land on my plate. Gag me with a candy cane.

Up there with Christmas pudding are mincemeat tarts, the evil mirror universe cousin to the butter tart. Originating in the 15th century, traditionally mincemeat is made with rendered animal fat, vinegar and leftover fermented meat. That's right — fermented meat. It's so old and rotten it tastes sweet. (Granted, people usually make mincemeat with fruit and sugar now, but that doesn't really help my argument so I'll just holler, "fake news!" and ignore it).

Shortbread and gingerbread cookies are also on the naughty list. I mean, they're OK, but they're another holdover from the 10th century, when if your mouth squinted molasses could taste like sugar.

These were legitimate desserts more than 150 years ago, when anything that wasn't a potato or bread was a delight. People didn't want to waste any food and they needed dessert, so they did what they had to do.

In terms of modern fare, chocolates like Pot o' Gold have been phoning it in since the 1970s, offering up a waxen selection of processed sadness. But even if we excuse those, who was the sadist that invented booze-filled chocolates? Liqueur chocolates are the disgusting Trojan horse of Christmas. You bite into that delicious chocolate, expecting the joy of the season to burst in your mouth with tones of cherry or caramel but nope — surprise! It's liqueur!

I like brandy as much as the next old man shaking his fist at the clouds, but the only people enjoying chocolates filled with booze-goo are ghosts of Christmas past (you know, people that died 100 years ago).

Christmas also does nuts dirty. People put out bowls of raw nuts and you must use metal tools that resemble scary dental extractors to free them from their shelled prisons, which takes longer than eating them.

Christmas oranges are actually great, but globalization means they're around all year now, so when you get one, it's not Christmas, it's just Tuesday again.

I've thoroughly befouled your beloved traditions and filled you with Christmas rage at my stupidity. But I'm not the Grinch stealing your joy — I'm Rudolph saving Christmas!

The way I see it, if I'm allowing myself these decadent calories, which will fill me with both chocolate and guilt, every bite should be enjoyed to the max, not simply tolerated because of tradition. Thankfully, there are some treats that stand the test of time, turning my Scroogey "humbugs" to "hubba hubbas."

Bring me all the sugar cookies! The fudge, eggnog, Nanaimo bars and dessert squares! Quality chocolates like Harden & Huyse or Ferrero Rocher! Anything with peanut butter and chocolate gets my sleigh in the air, baby. I'll wash it down by guzzling a chocolate peppermint martini garnished with an After Eight.

The greatest gift to mankind is butter tarts. My mom's butter tarts are famous in certain circles, with buttery, flaky pastry, overflowing with sweet gooey goodness. Hide them in the freezer all you want, Mom. I have a particular set of skills. I will find them. And I will eat them.

Go ahead, take umbrage with some of my medieval dessert humbugs, but admit it — you've cringed at the thought of eating at least one of these antiquated "treats." But hey, it's your Christmas. Don't listen to an old Hans Gruber like me. Eat what makes you happy.

And those calories? Live in the moment! We'll face the consequences in January.

This column is part of CBC's Opinion section. For more information about this section, please read this editor's blog and our FAQ.

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