Saskatchewan is too adorably lame to properly celebrate legal weed

When the federal government announced that cannabis would become legal on Oct. 17, 2018, I believed in my heart Saskatchewan would find a way to make it as boring as possible. 

Denying ourselves joy is a proud Saskatchewan tradition. It's right next to guys wearing white sunglasses and losing consciousness while zipper merging. 

I imagined other provinces having fun with their legal Hamilton Haze and OG Manitoba Cheese. Meanwhile, I assumed Saskatchewan would arbitrarily ban the use of marijuana in, say, hot tubs. Or, there would be a rule saying you could only use it in the presence of an old priest tsking at you. Or, you would need a letter of recommendation from Brad Wall himself just to say the word "doobie." 

A part of me didn't believe it was even going to happen. Saskatchewan loves suffering and misery too much to enjoy a good buzz. The lead-up to legalization here was relatively muted compared to other provinces. The people here who enjoy the occasional toke were, well, too scared to admit it. 

As Cannabis Day came nearer, I excitedly (annoyingly) poked fun at Baby Boomer friends and family to remind them their adult children could soon be bringing Devil's Lettuce to the next potluck.

Almost universally, older folks reacted with grim determination to scorn the very idea, even though they enjoy smoking doinks just as much as their kids. This is the Pink Floyd and Cheech and Chong generation, after all. How do you think they learned how to roll cabbage rolls?

There's nothing more patriotic in this province than exaggerating our misery and dwelling upon worry. It's why conversations here end with both people repeating, "Oh yeah, that's how she goes, bud," until one of them dies. We do that to avoid the embarrassment of accidentally experiencing mutual glee.

After all the fuss, legalization came and most weed stores weren't even operational yet. And the cost! Buying a few legal grams was like spending money on university textbooks. Which is to say, it was very expensive and completely pointless.

I'm just a law abiding comedian, but I've heard finding illegal marijuana is as easy as finding overalls at a Yorkton wedding.

Retail marijuana became more available and prices fell. Once Saskatchewan got past the excitement of buying phat nugs at a retail counter, the result was perfectly unremarkable.

There was no parade. There was no blood drinking or satanic rituals — wait till Olive Garden opens for that.

The truth is, many of us have been high this whole time, doing beautiful Saskatchewan things like jarring pickles and yelling at construction. 

Still, for some of us, the giddiness of walking into a proper store — in broad daylight — to pick up some Moose Jaw Sour Diesel or Climax Chronic will never go away. We've spent decades suppressing the fact that we sometimes enjoy this tiny pleasure and that it's okay in moderation.

Many years from now, our systematic hesitations over cannabis will seem downright silly and blow away like smoke in the wind. 

Until then, that's how she goes, bud.

This column is part of CBC's Opinion section. For more information about this section, please read this editor's blog and our FAQ.

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