Dare to not compare: Ignore those end-of-decade lists and measure things for yourself
Don't make a list, and don't check it twice
December and January are filled with posts and articles encouraging us to reflect on the current year and to plan for the year ahead. This is supposed to inspire us to set goals and resolutions and make all kinds of changes in our lives.
Because this is a year ending in 9, we have a ramped-up version as people feel the need to mark the passing of a decade by celebrating with 'end of a decade' lists and '10-year-photo' challenges on Twitter and Facebook.
Leaving aside the potential security issues with the photo comparisons, and, ignoring the argument that the current decade doesn't officially end until next year, people seem to be pretty evenly divided on whether these challenges are a harmless diversion or soul-crushing.
For some, the challenges are a fun way to celebrate. For others, they're a soul-crushing reminder of how our friends have somehow turned into divine creatures on an inspiring life journey while we're plodding along, ordinary mortals struggling along through the challenges of the day-to-day.
Social media already presents us with the curated lives of the people around us. These challenges take that up a notch since most people will pick their best photos and their highest accomplishments, skewing our perception of what is normal for them. That could leave us comparing some of the hardest times of our lives to a particularly straightforward moment in theirs.
Now, if you find these challenges fun and inspiring, then by all means, have at 'em. Everyone has to find their fun where they can and you can, obviously, motivate yourself in the way that serves you best.
But if trying to create a 10-year-photo comparison or attempting to list your accomplishments makes you feel terrible or somehow 'less than' — then I invite you to toss the idea aside and consider the following.
On your own schedule
At the end of any period of calendar time it's natural to reflect and to notice changes or the lack thereof. However, while we are all bound by the same calendar — we are not all on the same schedule.
The end of a year (or the end of a decade) is not a deadline. It is a day, just like any other. While some people may choose to use it as a marker to separate their time, you can choose a different day.
After all, any given day is both the beginning and the end of a 10-year-period in your life. You are much more attuned to the rhythm of your own life than you are to the dates on a calendar.
You can decide where to put your own markers down.
By tradition, we have a checklist of what makes up a 'good' life, and that checklist is reinforced by advertising, by TV shows, and by all kinds of other social cues.
These end-of-decade posts might still frustrate you if you aren't where you wanted to be at this point in time.
However, that whole job-marriage-children-promotion-promotion-promotion-retirement routine is not only outdated — it may not be relevant to you at all.
Our current lives (and the current economy) involve a lot of careers, lifestyles, and challenges that were non-existent when that life template was developed. In fact, that template probably only ever applied to a small, privileged segment of society in the first place.
Once you recognize that the template might be having an influence on how you feel about yourself right now, you can see how to give yourself some freedom from it.
The template isn't the only 'right' way to live, and it doesn't have to apply to you. So, you're free to make your own plan for a good life.
Use your own time frame
While I am all about celebrating your efforts and your successes, no matter what they are, the 10 year list may not be the proper time frame for you to measure your accomplishments. Your cycle of successes may be longer or shorter, or it may not be measurable in time at all.
If your work is non-traditional, if you have a chronic illness, or if you have had to take a career detour for any reason, then this particular 10 years may not highlight your successes. Perhaps this isn't the time frame in which you can pinpoint finished projects, show definite changes, or highlight important moments.
You aren't failing — this is just wrong time frame to measure your success — whatever that might be for you.
It can be challenging and upsetting to be on a different time frame, especially when everyone but you seems to share the same one. But, your successes are valid and important. Please try to keep reminding yourself that your time frame is the only one that needs to matter to you.
It's okay for plans to change
Even with your own schedule, your own template, and your own time frame for measuring success, these end-of-decade posts might still frustrate you if you aren't where you wanted to be at this point in time.
It's okay to be frustrated but please don't be too hard on yourself about the difference between your plans and your reality. Be honest with yourself and don't discount the practical, social and emotional challenges you have faced to get where you are now.
You couldn't have foreseen everything that has happened between then and now, and you had to make decisions in the moment, you didn't have the luxury of hindsight.
Perhaps now you can see where you might have made different choices but please don't this opportunity to judge your past self harshly. Instead, congratulate yourself on every success, no matter how small, and then come up with some ideas about how to make different choices in the future.
Plans change all the time. We change all the time. Both of those things are perfectly natural and we don't have to stick to a plan that no longer suits us. We're not locked in to the life plan that we made in the past.
Social media moves at a rapid pace and so do you. If these decade-based lists make you feel bad or if they have no meaning to you, feel free to make up a list that suits you better.
You can choose whether or not to post it.
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