A daily indignity: From catcalls to inappropriate advances, women must face creepy men too often

Some guys can be creepy at times. Or, as I am now learning, a lot of the time. As a dad, I want to cocobonk these idiots. As I guy, I am just plain embarrassed.

My learning took place at the dinner table recently, with my two youngest daughters and one of their friends, all university students in their early 20s.

The subject of guys' attitudes toward women came up, sparked by Justice Robin Camp, who asked a complainant in a sexual assault trial why she couldn't keep her knees together, along with the Stanford swimmer rapist who got a six-month sentence, former CBC host Jian Ghomeshi, etc., etc.

• Robin Camp tells inquiry he's learned from 'hurtful' comments he made at sex assault trial
• Brock Turner released after 3 months in jail for Stanford sex assault
• Jian Ghomeshi now faces court of public opinion in trying to rehabilitate image

Within minutes, I got a stream of disturbing stories. They all centred around unwanted attention from strange men in public places. 

My daughter's friend was on a family vacation and while sipping a drink at the hotel's bar, in the middle of the swimming pool, a man came up from behind her, grabbed her and dragged her backwards, drink and all. After dragging her 15 feet, he let her go. Ha ha ha, big joke.

Shocked, she beelined it to her parents, sitting poolside. The guy appeared moments later with his young son in tow to make the case that he was a good guy — "See? I have a kid."

One of my daughters was on the subway when the guy sitting beside her struck up a conversation. Is she a student? Is she going downtown? Polite responses. Next, he was insisting she come down to Dundas and Yonge with him. Then — get this — he asked if he can touch her hair, and he began raising his hands to do just that, with or without her permission. That's when she jumped up to get away from him.

Another friend story: On the subway, two males were eyeing her. She got off at her stop and soon realized the guys were following her. She went into a bank to use the ATM, where they approached her and one of them said, "Can I hug you?"

Another daughter story: One night she was walking the three blocks from the subway going home and there was a guy on the other side of the street walking in the same direction. She stepped up the pace, then noticed this guy was jogging and circling onto her side. He came up into her face and — get this again — asked, "Can I kiss you?" She screamed at the top of her lungs, "You don't do that!" He hightailed it back to the subway.

These anecdotes are unnerving and terrifying — all unwanted behaviours, all recent occurrences. I've tried to teach my kids the value of resilience, but this is a burden they should not face.

But wait, there's more. How about the random, unwanted comments thrown their way, like, "Give me a smile" or, "Pretty face, small tits?" And the gestures, such as the guy who once licked his lips as he passed my daughter in the street — all while holding the hand of a small child.

How to deal with unwanted attention?

Then, of course, there's the catch-22 of responding to unwanted attention. Here's how that conversation goes: If we tell them to stop, there's a fear that resistance will fuel their fire.

Saying, "Please don't" could project a vulnerability that stokes their confidence. Polite silence? That could anger them. And being feisty or sassy could be interpreted as, "Ya, I'm into this."

At one point in our conversations, my youngest said, "Maybe we need that yellow light on the back of taxis: 'If flashing, call 911.'"

There's also this whole boomerang effect my eldest daughter told me about, called "negging," in which the poor wounded guy — after being rebuffed — pathetically turns it all back on the woman.

One time this summer my middle daughter was on the job, dog-walking to pay for her university tuition, and she was getting catcalls from workers in the street. She ignored them, walking on by. They only seemed to redouble their oral antics, until one guy went way over the line and yelled, "It's because I'm black, right?"

All of my daughters and their friends expressed utter frustration that this unwanted attention is part of everyday life. What's worse, they have gotten used to it. One remarked how it happens so much that they don't truly process how deeply it affects them.

So I asked, "How does this unwanted attention make you feel?" Here are just some of the responses:

• "We only exist to be assessed — and then taken."
• "It makes me feel we are here to be consumed."
• "It's like some sort of ownership."
• "It's so aggressive."
• "We're always the underdog."
• "The smile comment is so annoying."
• "Are boys/men taught this?"
• "They would never behave this way in front of their moms."
• "We are not on an equal level."

Guys, it is 2016. This is stupid. Unwanted attention of this kind is not kind.

Think about it. Where in the world is following a stranger to her home, or asking to touch her hair, or confronting her and asking for a kiss cool?

To those creepy guys, I say, "What would you say if someone behaved this way toward your wife, girlfriend, sister, daughter or mother?"

And while we're at it, what conflicting messages did you get during your upbringing? And at the very least, where's your God damn good judgment filter?

It's acting out. Childish. And what's scary is you are in big boy bodies. That makes you a menace — even dangerous.

As David Carr, the acerbic New York Times columnist, might say: guys, it's time to put on your big boy pants.

Christian Cote is a Winnipegger who now lives in Toronto. He is a special adviser, strategy and new media, for the University Health Network, as well as a freelance TV producer.