I'm an Asian man on dating apps. The surge of leading stars who look like me is good — and bad

This First Person column is written by Clement Goh, a second-generation Chinese Canadian and CBC journalist. For more information about CBC's First Person stories, please see the FAQ.

The first date shouldn't feel like a pilot episode. But this one does. And for better or worse, I'm playing the role of the Asian male lead. 

"You look so much like this character I've seen in a K-drama I'm watching," my date says.

It's not the first time I've been told that and I've never known how to respond to it, in part because this is a relatively new phenomenon. 

As much as it hurts my pride, I'll confess: I don't get plenty of matches over dating apps.

Asian men like myself are one of the most marginalized groups in the dating pool; for me, a handful of matches on any given day is lucky. I've often wondered if it was my bio or my photos. Maybe if I was a blond, blue-eyed, salmon-holding cottage country-type, my dating prospects might have been better. 

But I've also noticed a recent shift in the last five years as Asian men between their mid-20s to early 30s continue to be left out of the dating market. Thanks to a surge in popularity of films, shows and music, Asian men like me are finding their footing as sexy dating material. Specifically, K-drama heroes like Crash Landing on You's Ri Jeong-Hyuk (played by South Korean actor Hyun Bin) or K-pop star, model and actor Rowoon have paved the way for a new kind of heart-stealer. 

For the first time in my dating life, I feel seen for the way I was born. It's nice to get more matches on one app instead of trying three apps to increase my odds. I wore this confidence like armour to dates. 

But the dates came with unexpected twists and expectations. 

Often these dates name-dropped actors or clips from Reply 1988, Itaewon Class or Hotel del Luna. One time, a date brought up the cheesy Chinese drama Love Between Fairy and Devil, a wuxia martial arts series packed with CGI effects and floating sorcerers.

I was taken aback, especially when it was non-Asians who were professing their love of these shows. I had to wonder if this was because I was Asian since these topics had never come up so consistently before the surge in popularity of the Asian heartthrob. 

And here's my second confession: Growing up, I shunned K-drama and other East Asian-led programs. Despite the fact that my parents had the TV tuned into Chinese dramas, I couldn't connect with the meet-cutes, love triangles and texting games. I resented those "mushy" pieces with messages reinforcing the destiny of true love since I never really got to enjoy them; my immigrant parents told me to put work above love. 

Bonding over uncomfortably cheesy plots

My most dazzling date of 2022 was spent indulging in a few first episodes of Netflix's best K-dramas. We bonded through my reactions to her favourite cheesy moments. I squirmed at the messiness of strangers meeting as enemies, then reluctantly loving each other. I vicariously lived through my date's dreams of a fun relationship. 

My best unmatch of 2022 came from not measuring up to someone's expectations of a K-drama movie star. As my date laid out how I was uncharacteristic in every way — including being too accommodating and rehearsed while chatting — I started questioning what being authentic really meant. It made me realize the Netflix effect was a double-edged sword for my dating prospects. 

Is it awesome to see Asian leads in movies like Parasite and Everything, Everywhere All At Once? Yes! I clicked with fellow Malaysian Henry Golding as he played the dashing lead Nick Young in Crazy Rich Asians. My self-visibility skyrocketed seeing fellow Chinese Canadian Simu Liu join the Marvel Cinematic Universe in Shang Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings.

But it also got me questioning what additional boxes I should check to be the right match on these dating apps. Should I wear a trench coat like Oh Jin-shim in Touch Your Heart? Buzz cut like Park Sae-ro-yi in Itaewon Class or long hair like Seong Gi-hun in Squid Game? 

Today, I've started embracing Asian-led shows and accepted it might influence my dating life. I love seeing how Korean dramas meet (or don't meet) reality, and asking my matches what they want out of me as a date. And of course, where I can fit in their K-drama picture so that we can grow together.

My biggest lesson? Be careful of matches only interested in dating a fictional dreamboat.

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