This is why you're burnt out from using dating apps
App gamification, ghosting are a few reasons people are getting fed up, experts say
Mehak Shoeb's taking a break from using dating apps.
After years of swiping, the 31-year-old human resources professional from Toronto says she's reached a point where she needs a breather.
"I just feel like with anything, when you invest too much of your energy and you're not getting the outcome that you want, you kind of need to take a step back," Shoeb said.
She's not alone. CBC News spoke to several dating app users across Canada who said they feel dissatisfied with platforms like Tinder, Bumble and Hinge.
Dating apps have been around for at least a decade, and have become a chief way for people to meet each other.
But app researchers and therapists told CBC News that some users are now feeling burnt out after spending so much time on the apps, because of how they make them feel.
"You're chatting with people and the conversations just go nowhere," said Taly Levinsky, a 28-year-old from Vancouver. "And the burnout comes from just, like, continuously experiencing these types of lacklustre matches."
Natasha Streiling, who lives in Victoria, says the apps are creating a culture of burnout.
"The endless swiping, the endlessly reading people's profiles and the trying to figure out what to say to people," the 28-year-old said.
Research from Singles Reports, a data analytics company, shows people are frustrated by the online search for love. The 2022 survey looked at 500 adults in the U.S. between the ages of 18 and 54 who had used at least one app in the previous 12 months. Nearly 80 per cent of respondents said they'd dealt with some form of emotional fatigue or burnout with online dating.
Some counsellors like Jessica Taylor say they're seeing more patients burnt out from the apps.
"I think this problem is coming from just the apps themselves, you know, and we haven't really figured out the best way to use them," said Taylor, who's based in Denver.
What is burnout?
Burnout feels like you've reached your capacity, says Sadaf Siddiqi, a psychotherapist in New York who works with people on issues like anxiety and difficult relationships.
It can manifest physically, mentally or emotionally, and any area of your life can trigger it, Siddiqi says. But it can look different for everyone, and some people — like introverts or people already struggling with their mental health — can feel it worse, she adds.
In relation to dating apps, burnout can present itself in a few ways, therapists told CBC News.
You may no longer find it enjoyable to use the apps, and you may catch yourself getting frustrated, exhausted or anxious. You might be swiping on fewer profiles, ending conversations quickly and feeling disinterest or negativity with the apps or dating.
It could look like "wanting a relationship, but honestly, just downloading the app and then quickly deleting it or not engaging with the app at all," said Taylor.
Some apps like Bumble and Hinge have acknowledged that their platforms can affect people's mental health, and have shared tips on how to manage those effects.
The rise of gamification
It might be difficult to use the apps in moderation because they're designed to keep you hooked, according to Kathryn Coduto, an online dating and internet behaviour researcher and an assistant professor of media science at Boston University.
"They are businesses and they want their users to stay on them."
"Part of what the algorithm is trying to do is trying to show you matches that you might be interested in, but you're also going to get some that maybe aren't as good because you have to swipe through those to stay on there," she said.
If that sounds like a game, you're not wrong. Coduto points to the subtle gamification of apps as one way they keep users reeled in.
The algorithm encourages you to swipe and chat — even past your dissatisfaction or annoyance. You're prompted to talk to matches you haven't yet spoken to and even buy in-app features to boost your chances of finding someone.
"I think the swipe interface, the gamification, leads to burnout because it doesn't feel like there's a genuine connection being sought," Coduto said. "People also get exhausted from just having to judge other people based on their photos. And that leads to feelings of almost hypocrisy or feeling like you're shallow."
Agraj Rathi, a 27-year-old copywriter in Vancouver, says the amount of time he spent dating due to the apps impacted him negatively.
"I just felt like I was going on too many dates. I would go on maybe … a couple of new dates every month," said Rathi. "And I just felt like I was losing myself in a way."
"It's … kind of like an addiction."
Six users in the U.S. made similar accusations against the dating apps in court, bringing forward a proposed class action in February against Match Group, which owns Hinge, Tinder and Match.
They accused the company of negligence and of having a predatory business model. The suit claims the platforms' gamification turns users into "gamblers locked in a search for psychological rewards."
Match Group denied the claims. A spokesperson said the suit was "ridiculous and has zero merit."
Ghosting and other not-so-nice behaviours
Burnout also stems from users and how they act on the platforms, say Taylor and Siddiqi.
There's the routine, robotic introductory conversations that never seem to flourish into anything interesting, let alone a first date. Or the cycling through different apps, talking to multiple people in the hope of finding something meaningful. There's even the fear of being catfished — where a user pretends to be someone else online.
And perhaps everyone's least favourite scenario: being ghosted, where someone stops communication without any explanation.
"Dating culture definitely brought to the forefront how detrimental ghosting is to someone's mental health," Siddiqi said.
But, she said, people who ghost others might also be feeling overwhelmed themselves, and don't have the skills to communicate how they're feeling.
With all these scenarios playing out on the apps, it can sometimes feel like no one is making an effort anymore. Siddiqi says a prime issue she sees with young people and dating apps is not giving relationships enough time to blossom.
"If you know that there's more options once things get hard, you're more likely to give up on that option and just move on to the next."
Rachel Katz, a dating app researcher and digital media sociologist in the U.K., says users might often clash because of their different goals on the apps. People are likely to burn out the more they match with those who don't want the same thing as them, she says.
Shoeb says as she's gotten older, she's more aware of what she is looking for on the apps, and it doesn't include something "really casual."
"That's just not where I'm at right now."
Traditional dating is getting tougher
Like others, Shoeb says she would love to meet someone in person, but traditional dating has become a "little bit harder."
Going up to someone and starting a conversation isn't as common anymore, she says.
"Today, people don't do that as much, because they might think it's coming across weird or it's not going to be reciprocated."
But Streiling says she's been focusing on meeting people in real life in recent years, and says the resulting connections from doing so are much more organic.
"Dating apps are kind of losing their sparkle that they initially had, because we're … losing the human connection of it all."
Not all doom and gloom
Though some users have reached a tipping point with the platforms for varied reasons, it doesn't mean that they don't work for anyone.
A 2020 survey of nearly 5,000 adults in the U.S. found that 12 per cent have married or been in a committed relationship with someone they met online.
And Shoeb says while she's currently in a dating "low period," two of her previous relationships blossomed through the apps.
"I am an advocate for dating apps, but I think you have to do it in moderation, and you have to intentionally date."
Better ways to use the apps
But despite the challenges, it's safe to say dating apps are here to stay.
So how can you best navigate them? The therapists and researchers we spoke to pointed to a few different measures.
Take breaks from the app, even if it means deleting it for a period of time.
Use only one app at a time, and don't talk to multiple people at once if it overwhelms you. This includes avoiding binging on the app — so no swiping for hours.
And try your best to not use the platforms if you're already feeling stressed or tired, like when you're at work or school.
Importantly, Siddiqi says, be mindful of and respect your limits as best as you can.
"My biggest tip for having a constructive experience on dating apps is to increase your self-awareness," she said.
"Don't judge yourself, don't shame yourself, just know how you operate."
It's something Shoeb has been doing until she's ready to get back out on the dating scene.
"Dating for me is fun," she said. "Right now I'm taking a breather."
"But I do want to meet my person, so I'll probably be back on it."
This is part of a CBC News Social series exploring the realities of being single and dating in Canada.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
