Vancouver hospice helps grievers cope through the holidays

WARNING: This story contains mentions of suicide.

The early sunsets and long, dark winter nights can make Abhishek Nanjundappa feel a bit sombre. There are times where he reflects on the passing of his father, who took his own life just over two years ago.

"For me, the tough times start as soon as the clock changes," he said. "Usually November and December are the tough times for me."

Nanjundappa says he struggles with his mental health, particularly over the winter, and it's been made more challenging in recent years by the death of his father in March 2021.

He admits to being reluctant to ask for help in the past, but took a chance last year when he heard about a program called Coping Through the Holidays.

The event was organized by the Vancouver Hospice Society (VHS), and serves as a supportive gathering for people who are grieving. Participants are provided with coping strategies, and learn ways to navigate the holiday season alone or with loved ones.

"It was nervewracking the first time being in that experience with all those people grieving. I didn't know what to expect," said Nanjundappa. "I just showed up, that was my only aim. I thought I might leave in between sessions — but it was helpful."

Nanjundappa was one of 50 participants who used the service last year, and says he plans to attend again this year as the non-profit opens its doors to Vancouver residents once again on Nov. 30.

Kayla Hochfelder, director of clinical counselling services at VHS, says the goal of the program is to make bereavement services as accessible as possible during a time of year where many people reflect on the lives of their lost loved ones.

"It tends to be a time of year where we're focused deeply on our families, and gatherings with our loved ones," said Hochfelder. 

"And of course, if you've experienced either a recent death, or a death that's very significant, that will stir up so many memories, and make this time of year not necessarily a time you want to celebrate."

"This opportunity really normalizes all of those feelings, recognizes how we can come together, as a community or as a family, and include people who are grieving in those moments," she added.

Managing grief

Nanjundappa was a student at Simon Fraser University when his dad died. He says he was nearly finished with his dissertation when he received the news.

"I couldn't go home," said Nanjundappa, referring to pandemic restrictions at the time that kept him from travelling to India. "I basically isolated myself for two years."

Nanjundappa says he struggled with his own mental health in the months that followed. He had delayed his graduation by two years when he realised it was time to reach out for help.

He says he began seeing a university counsellor. But once he finished school last year, the service was no longer available.

"I decided, okay, I need help. I thought, even if I don't have money, there must be some options," he said. 

His counsellor suggested VHS and its inaugral Coping Through the Holidays program.

Nanjundappa says the service, which included a group vigil for loved ones lost, allowed him to be more comfortable with his feelings. He says discussions with support volunteers encouraged him to access ongoing services from the hospice, including bereavement walking groups.

"The main thing I've learned is forgiving things that have happened in the past, whether it's from me, or from someone else," he said.

Nanjundappa says he plans to attend again, and hopes to eventually volunteer to offer support to others.

Coping through the holidays

Hochfelder says the substantial increase in enrolment highlights the demand for accessible bereavement services, especially at this time of year. She says among the key messages to attendees is to allow their grief to have its time amid the busyness of the holiday season.

"A lot of it is around pre-planning with your family or with friends and recognizing you might need your own space," she said.

Hochfelder says another tool is augmenting family traditions.

"It might be that grandfather is no longer part of Christmas this year, and he was always carved the turkey," she said.

"It's looking at what might be the right way of changing or transitioning that role, or coming up with new family traditions."

If you or someone you know is struggling, here's where to get help:

• Suicide Crisis Helpline: 988. The helpline is a short, easy-to-remember number to get a quick response from coast to coast to coast, 24/7 and free of charge.
• Talk Suicide Canada: 1-833-456-4566 (phone) | 45645 (text between 4 p.m. and midnight ET).
• Kids Help Phone: 1-800-668-6868 (phone), live chat counselling on the website.
• Canadian Association for Suicide Prevention: Find a 24-hour crisis centre.
• This guide from the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health outlines how to talk about suicide with someone you're worried about.