Children need compassion and understanding — not punishments and judgment

This story is part of Amy Bell's Parental Guidance column, which airs on CBC Radio One's The Early Edition.

As a parent, I've certainly threatened some big punishment in my time — but the truth is I'm a bit of a pushover.

But I've also found that no matter how many time-outs or screen time restrictions I've handed out, they haven't had much impact.

So if punishments don't really work to change the behaviour, what can we do? Let our children be lawless troublemakers?

Not exactly.

Manage your expectations

Children are agents of chaos, so it comes down to managing expectations. Kids and teens are works in progress; their brains and emotions aren't quite up to the task of doing what we want them to do, even if they know on some level it's what we want.

By punishing them, we strip away the sense of safety and support they need from us, which can lead to anxiety and acting out. 

Kate Saunders, a registered clinical counsellor and certified parent-child interaction therapist, thinks we put too much pressure on ourselves to have perfect children.

We also put too many expectations on children that don't match up with their development. 

"Children grow up, no matter what we do. They're going to grow up and develop," said Saunders.

"Sometimes there's this desire to speed them along, to do something they aren't ready to do yet — and that's where I see a lot of parents struggling with discipline.

"Their expectations of their children is too high."

Saunders says what happens when a child is yelled at or quickly disciplined is the opposite of what most parents are hoping for. By yelling or implementing punishments, your child goes into flight-or-fight mode and isn't able to calmly think about what's happened.

"Our brains prioritize our emotional reactions and our sense of safety," she said.

"If you want a child to learn, they need to be calm. So we need to prioritize their emotions over their behaviour."  

Set realistic goals

For parents whose kids have behavioural issues or are neurodivergent, it can be especially tough. Sometimes, before parents get a diagnosis, they can be caught in a cycle of disappointments, anger and punishments with no impact, making relationships difficult and volatile.

Chantelle Morvay, who has two neurodivergent sons and has ADHD herself, says with help and guidance from other parents in the same situations, and exploring alternative methods of parenting, everyone has much clearer goals and success in accomplishing them.

"We think a lot of times the kids are trying to push us. It's a power struggle," said Morvay.

"And now I realize that's so ableist — that's not how it works.

"The frustration I was getting was because they could not do those things. They literally could not."

Kids can learn from messing up

But what happens as kids get older and make mistakes with severe consequences?

Saunders says having open communication and letting teens feel heard and supported allows parents to have a greater influence in their decisions — meaning their teens will also come to them for guidance before making any moves that could be dangerous or have far-reaching repercussions.

"One of the more important things is to build a collaborative relationship with your children, [telling them], 'I can see dangers that you don't see right now, so it's my job as a parent to try and keep you safe.

"'I want you to always come to me with the things you are thinking about or worried about because I can give you some of that information that you haven't learned yet,'" Saunders recommended.

"The other part is experiencing life and how natural consequences play out as long as they're not destructive or dangerous or deadly. It's ok for young people to make mistakes."

If we have that open and accepting connection, even if they trip, they'll hopefully own up to their mistakes and accept our help to move past it, rather than hide it for fear of what we might do.

Kids are frustrating and will do things — repeatedly, and sometimes on the same day — that will make you lose your mind. 

But it's important that our kids grow up feeling safe and supported. Many of us know all too well from our own childhoods that you can't do that when you are being constantly punished, criticized or made to feel like you have failed.

A lot of us still have baggage from our parents, grandparents and cultures that we need to accept and take responsibility for instead of passing it down.

Kids should be allowed the grace to make many mistakes — just as parents should be allowed to do the same.