How chosen families can be a lifeline for LGBTQ+ immigrants over the holidays

The holiday season is synonymous with tree trimmings, turkey dinners and families coming together.

But for many queer immigrants, Christmas can be stressful and lonely. They say a chosen family can be a lifeline at these times.

"These are friends, your tribe that you find along your way as an immigrant. You slowly filter people out. And those that really stay are your soul mates," Ritesh Matlani, a filmmaker and floral designer based in Surrey, B.C., told CBC's The Early Edition host Stephen Quinn.

From Diwali to Christmas, Matlani says he celebrates all holidays with his chosen family.

"I didn't grow up with snow and with this kind of winter, so I appreciate it every year ... Christmas is the culmination of the good times," Matlani said.

He is not alone in this tradition. 

Fredy Mendoza, a Vancouver-based movie art director and production design instructor at the Vancouver Film School, says he spends the holidays with his chosen family — a group of friends that have supported him "through thick and thin."

He recalls growing up in Cartagena, Colombia, feeling discriminated against as a queer Christian who didn't fit the mould during the holidays. 

"It could be a really triggering moment in time for people in our community, but reclaiming it and making it ours and having a little bit of queerness to it is, I think, something powerful and beautiful," he said. 

Both Mendoza and Matlani have found a way to brighten the holidays through their work.

As a floral designer, Matlani says his flowers always make it to the table when he visits his chosen family during Christmas parties and dinners. 

"I ain't going to anyone's home without flowers that I've made or put together," he said with a laugh, adding that his friends now expect him to bring flowers for their tables. 

"We have a set of skills, we're all artists and creative. And so we find ways to infuse the holidays with our own creativity."

Mendoza, who worked as an art director on three Christmas projects this year, says all his shows featured a queer person. 

"I think that's such a powerful ... message for our community," he said.

"I really love that we are getting the chance to see more shows on TV that showcases different couples, different people and different skin tones."

Importance of chosen families

According to Jen Marchbank, chosen families are really important for queer people, especially queer seniors, also described as rainbow seniors.

The professor of gender, sexuality and women's studies at Simon Fraser University and vice president of Surrey Pride Society says rainbow seniors have less contact with families of birth than the majority of the population.

"Even if they do have family, if they do have children, they're less likely to be supported by them," she said.

She says rainbow organizations hold functions around this time of year to ensure there is connection and community for people who feel isolated.

"And that doesn't mean that you're choosing people to become an adopted granny or whatever," she adds.

She says it is an opportunity to build community, make connections and allow people to share some elements of their lives together. 

"Whichever holiday you're celebrating, Hanukkah to Kwanzaa to Christmas, people can feel isolated. So providing opportunities where that isolation can be lessened, is a great opportunity."

Over the years, Marchbank and her wife, both immigrants to Canada, have organised Christmas get-togethers and dinners for LGBTQ+ youth who have been alienated from their families. 

"This isn't just a piece of altruism," she said.

"It was a delight to be able to offer a celebrated community meal. An absolute privilege."