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US government adds new group to terrorist watch list: infants

Some key principles behind this controversial proclamation are outlined in a leaked internal document.
Sarah Howden · CBC Comedy ·
(Shutterstock / szefei)

WASHINGTON, D.C.—The White House announced today that it will soon be adding a new group to its terrorist watch list: babies.  

At a press conference, President Donald Trump said, "Look, we've got to crack down. Things are just getting worse in America, and that definitely—definitely—doesn't have anything to do with me.

"So we've got our eye on a new threat. These guys are dangerous. There are more and more of them coming in to the States every day, and we don't know anything about them. The security of our country is at stake. I won't say babies, but I will say they're tiny, they're bald, and they didn't vote for me."

He also assured everyone that, "This isn't about some personal bias. Sure, they're selfish, whiny, mindless, babbling, freaky-looking people," he continued, apparently with no sense of irony, "but like I say, this is just common sense."

Some key principles behind this controversial proclamation are outlined in a leaked internal document, said to have been developed by chief strategist Steve Bannon. A few highlights include:

  • The President's duty is to protect our country from "aliens." Babies look like aliens. Case closed.
  • Babies don't speak English and they refuse to answer questions. People say that's because they can't understand language yet but can this be proven? Probably not.
  • Their origins are suspicious. Inside the womb?? We can't trust women, let alone something that comes from some place inside them.
  • How are babies even created? Science thinks it has answered this question but Ben Carson says the jury's still out. If we don't know their history, we can't know their affiliations. They could be Muslim! Or Jewish! (Don't put that in the press release. Sounds racist.)
  • They don't have any credit history or own any property. In fact, there's no paperwork of any kind except for "birth certificates," which we saw from Obama are super easy to forge.   
  • They'll steal all our jobs. If not now, eventually.
  • IMPORTANT: They should still be allowed to buy guns because it's their God-given right.

As the country reacted to what is now being called Babygate, Sean Spicer defended the administration's stance. "We can't be the weak, defenceless ones here. We need to step up and protect ourselves from any outsiders—especially the weak and defenceless."

The international community has been quick to condemn this move, and the hashtag #FreeBabies began trending on social media. (It was soon updated to #FreetheBabies to prevent misinterpretation.)

White House counsellor Kellyanne Conway said President Trump is remaining firm on his stance.

"Listen, we didn't make this mess. Obama did. Did you see how he fraternized with babies? That emboldened them. Now they want to steal our freedom."

When contacted for its reaction to this news, the Supreme Court issued the world's loudest sigh.

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