Trump changes nuclear code to 1-2-3-4 so he doesn't forget

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Leaks from within the White House have confirmed that Donald Trump, the worst ever "president" of the United States (including William Henry Harrison who died 31 days after taking office) has changed the country's secret nuclear launch codes to 1-2-3-4.

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White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer (a little boy wearing his daddy's suit for first communion) scrambled to put on a press conference this morning to address the data breach. "It's true," Spicer explained. "He changed the big bomb codes to something more better for memory. And what's easier for 'membering than the first six letters of the alphabet. Next question."

When asked if the "president" would be changing the codes now that they were known to the public, Spicer responded, "Nope. Why would he be changed them? Now they're samesies like his bank code and telephone screen. Who cares if all everybody knows? My phone unlockers are 6-9-6-9. You know? Like the sex move, two times."

Spicer then proceeded to contort his hands in such a way as to portray this lewd sexual act for several minutes, clearly demonstrating a total misunderstanding of how the human body works.

Photos have been circulating on the internet showing these very numbers written on the back of the "president's" hand. These photos have been troubling to critics of the office for two reasons: The first being that with the codes in such close proximity, it may mean a nuclear device is near use at any moment. The second and far more troubling is that the code was written down once and he has not washed his hand since. Even after dropping his pants all the way to the floor to pee standing up like a big boy.

At the time of writing, no foreign countries have made any attempt to use these codes for personal gain. One can only hope this was just an elaborate ploy to throw off enemies of the US. But it's more likely that the "president" of the United States of America can barely remember a random set of four numbers without getting distracted by the need to revoke the basic rights of women, people of colour, and the lower classes.

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