Trudeau to ask Canadians what they want, then say 'Oh cool, that's what I was thinking too'

OTTAWA, ON—It's not easy to know what your constituents are thinking. It's easier to tell them you already thought of that after they tell you.

Justin Trudeau made a special announcement today on the steps of parliament, telling assembled reporters that he plans to begin more initiatives to find out what Canadians want from their Prime Minister, though he plans to then rob them of the satisfaction of having offered a good suggestion by immediately replying, "Oh okay, cool, that's what I was already thinking and planning on, so it sounds like I'm already on the right track."

He then clarified that his specific course of action would be to reply this way whether he had already thought of the idea or not.

Trudeau also announced that he reserved the right to modify the suggestions provided by ordinary Canadians—to an either slight or significant degree—but repeat it back to them as if that's what they said.

"This is a difficult concept to get a handle on, I know, but I'll do my best to explain," said the PM, taking a question.

"Let's say a Canadian—a wonderful, average, ordinary Canadian voter—says 'I would like you to stop building new pipelines in the country of Canada.' In this instance, yes, I may say, 'Terrific, that was the same idea I had, so it sounds like you approve of my idea,' and then of course just go ahead and build the pipeline anyway. That's something I could do and something I'm quite comfortable doing. It's important to be honest with your constituents, but it's even more important to be 'realistic,' by which I mean to lie."

"However, as a trained politician I believe I can do better, and in fact must do better," continued the prime minister. "So in that situation I am more likely to say, 'Wonderful! I was thinking of that too. Yes, taking a good hard look at each new pipeline project before we implement it is the right plan. Thank you, citizen.'"

"Now I've dealt with a lot of Canadians—they're pretty star-struck and pliable. Usually that will be enough for them, and they'll be on their way. But in the event a particularly passionate person replies, 'Well, hold on, that's actually not what I said at all. I said we need to stop building new pipelines,' I'll look them straight in the eye—again not repeating the thing they said at all—and say 'Thank you for your vote. This means a tremendous amount to me.'"

"Then I'll just turn and walk away, and a lot of times they'll be shouting, 'Hold on, I didn't say I was going to vote for you! I said—' but by then I'm gone, and they're shouting about voting, which will remind people to vote for me, and still I haven't agreed to the thing they said, which I don't want to do."

"So it's a classic win-win situation," said the prime minister. "A win for me, and a win for my government."

Troubled by some of these revelations, this reporter asked the prime minister if we could have 20 more minutes of his time, to which he replied, "Yes, excellent idea to end the interview now, it's a wonderful idea and I thank you for suggesting it. And I thank you for your vote," and then hung up.

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