Jesus Christ still 'kinda miffed' by the name 'Good Friday'
THE BEYOND—Taking to his newly launched Twitter account, Jesus Christ (aka the Son of God), issued a first-time tweet last week that read: "What's with 'Good' Friday? Wuzn't good 4 me. Haha. PS I hate it."
The ensuing brouhaha led Jesus to tweet a follow-up message saying, "Sorry. Had too much communion wine. Didn't mean to make trouble!" But that didn't quite appease the masses, who were up in arms about Jesus' remarks.
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And so, to put the matter to rest, Jesus appeared (via satellite) on TVO's The Agenda with Steve Paikin Monday night, where he was joined by panellists Donnie Scaggs, a nine-year-old boy, and Dr. Robert Leavencraft, noted theologian and author of I Know You're There God. It's Me, Dr. Robert Leavencraft. The topic? "Good Friday — Or Is It?"
From the start, Donnie Scaggs' position was clear. "Good Friday is a day off school," he commented. "Also, it's the lead-up to Easter, which means chocolate eggs and candy. Good Friday? I say GREAT Friday." By way of demonstration, he then shoved several chocolate eggs into his mouth.
Jesus smiled benevolently. "I hear you, Donnie. It's just, if I may, it gets my goat a bit that it has to be called 'good' when that day, for me, was… well, not good. Very not good, to be honest."
"Can you elaborate on that?" asked host Steve Paikin.
"Well, I was crucified," Jesus said, shrugging good-naturedly. "You know, and I hate to make too big a deal of that, because yeah, I rose from the dead and everything. But still: Good? It kind of adds insult to… excruciating death, doesn't it? Just a touch?"
At this point, Dr. Robert Leavencraft spoke up. "I don't mean to be holier-than-thou, but I think you're maybe taking this a bit too personally," he said with a wink. "I mean, this is bigger than Jesus, am I right, Steve?"
"Let's just think of some other options," Jesus said. "Crummy Friday. Uh, Rather Unpleasant Friday. Jesus Got Mercilessly Killed Friday?"
"Hot cross buns," Donnie piped up. "They also sell hot cross buns on Good Friday, and they're delicious. So." He grinned with chocolate-covered teeth.
"Fair point," Paikin said. "Jesus?"
Jesus hesitated for a second with what our facial-expression expert called a "barely discernible mixture of despair, rage and utter disbelief" before cupping a hand to his ear. "Sorry, what? Oh, you know what, guys? My dad's calling me. Something about having to go sit at his right hand... Gotta run!" at which point the screen went blank.
Paikin announced sadly, "We lost him."
"He'll be back," Leavencraft said.
Three days later, Jesus issued a press release stating that he was shutting down his Twitter and would be out of touch for the foreseeable future. "Be assured, I'm fine. I just need some alone time," he wrote. "PS I am not being held hostage by my housekeeper. PPS 'Meh Friday'?"
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