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Comedy·CH-CH-CH-CHANGES

Frazzled, middle-aged Mother Earth experiences embarrassing symptoms of climate change

This awkward transitional period comes with some unusual symptoms.
Sarah Howden · CBC Comedy ·

WORLDWIDE—No matter what you call it—"the change", global warming, the apocalypse—climate change can be such a difficult time for a planet. Hot flashes, flooding, forest fires… and those are just the tip of rapidly melting iceberg.

The Earth has been experiencing these changes firsthand.

"I guess I'd been ignoring the signs for a while, thinking, sure, my ozone layer isn't what it used to be, but hey, it happens to everyone. And okay, my weather's a bit off, but it's probably just that son of a bitch El Niño, screwing around again."

But soon enough, Earth had to face facts.

"I did some Googling and that's when I realized: Oh god. I had all the symptoms of climate change."

This awkward transitional period marks the time when a celestial body changes from a figure of nourishment and fecundity to a burnt-out husk of a planet with a poisonous atmosphere that couldn't give two shits whether you live or die. And it comes with some embarrassing symptoms.

"I guess I first noticed it when I felt hotter than usual, even in the middle of winter," the Earth explains. "Plus," she lowers her voice, "I was feeling super moist in some regions but really, really dry in others."

Just let it happen. Turn into a fiery toxic planet of doom. You won't even remember what it was like before. And you won't care.- Venus

"My memory isn't what it used to be either. Just recently I was all, 'Where's the moon? Where the fuck is the moon?!' And then I see it's been right there in the sky the whole time." Earth shakes her head.

"Been there, done that," says Venus, author of the book Actually No One's from Venus and I Like It That Way. "But I've come through it, and I'm stronger than ever. Of course, I'm impossibly hot all the time and crush any object that enters my atmosphere, but you know what? I'm owning it."

Earth admits she has a hard time seeing the bright side.

"You know, you spend billions of years bringing life into the world, your humans propagate and industrialize and then…all of a sudden your permafrost is thawing and you think: how did I get here?"

Besides the physical discomforts, it can also mean taking some ribbing from your peers.

"If the Sun says, 'Hot enough for you?' to me one more time, I swear…" the Earth says, trailing off.

Venus's advice? "Just let it happen. Turn into a fiery toxic planet of doom. You won't even remember what it was like before. And you won't care."

Still, it's easier said than done for Earth, for whom each day presents new challenges. At the last week's Solar System Awards luncheon, Earth lost the highly coveted Hostess with the Mostess award to exoplanet Kepler-442b.

"Of course now there's this fresh-faced solar system they've discovered," Earth sighs. "What's it called, Trappist-1? All hot-to-trot and ready to support life? Been there, done that. I'm over it. All I'll say is good luck to it. Good fucking luck."

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