4 new ways to sit on a chair and one old way re-branded

We all sit. We sit at work. We sit in the shower. We sleep sitting up. The way we sit has remained unchanged for thousands of years but lately, I've found that we're just sitting through the motions. We used to do it for the love of the game, but it's somehow lost its lustre.

In an effort to bring sitting into the 21st century I've discovered some new ways to sit that will improve your life significantly.

I've been called many names in my day: The Ass Guru, The Anti-Stander, El Sedentario, but really I am just a humble servant, here to teach you some new ways and help you live your greatest truth. So buckle up and prepare to have your ass blown off.

1. The Cobra

This particular position came to me as I was trying to figure out a way to correct my posture. The position can be done anywhere, on any surface, but works best when sitting inside a large wicker basket in the middle of an open-air bazaar.

First, tuck your legs beneath your body. Then, sit upright and arch your top half forward until you can hear your spine move. Lock your hands behind your head keeping your elbows facing outwards. Moving from the waist, sway back and forth in a rhythmic motion. Lastly, hiss loudly and spit at anyone who walks by.

This position is sure to get noticed in your next high-power business meeting. "Who is that woman hissing at the entire boardroom?" they'll say. "She's got some fresh new ideas. Let's make her CPO (Chief Posture Officer)." Now you're sitting your way to a six-figure salary and dental cleanings twice a year, baby!

2. The Detox

I discovered this gem while reflecting on my drinking habits and wondering if perhaps seven rum-and-Splendas were too many cocktails for this first communion. This position needs either a swivel or rolling office chair as you will need to pivot on the central axis.

First, get in a reverse seated position, with your head under the seat and your legs wrapped around the seat back. Now spin around until you think the world will never be the same and don't stop until you have vomited all over your cubicle.

I recommend using this technique first thing in the morning to rid your body of the diarrhoea starter kit you put in it the night before. The overwhelming smell of vomit is a small price to pay for the cleansing of your aura and digestive system simultaneously.

3. Peru's Revenge

I invented this position while backpacking through the Andes section of the South American aisle of my local grocery store. The position can be executed anywhere but requires a high-backed chair so you'll need a little bit of headroom.

Start by laying your chairback flat on the ground. Sit on the chair normally in its new horizontal position. Then fill a balloon with nitrous oxide. Use it to hyperventilate for 30-40 seconds. Then straighten your legs upward and let the fluids drain into your upper body until you can no longer feel your legs or face.

In addition to getting you noticed, this position allows the blood to flow more freely to your thinker. This helps you realize that Machu Picchu was built by aliens and perhaps isn't the only thing the government is lying about.

4. Dance of the Valkyries

This technique came to me while I was watching an old episode of Frasier. The episode had nothing to do with the Norse Gods – that's just when it happened. For this setup, you will need a chair with arms, ideally in a public setting.

Lay your body across the chair, resting your back and back of your legs on the chair arms. Then let your body go limp and roll your eyes into the back of your head. Stay like this until someone asks if you're okay. Then loudly exclaim, "I have been slain, FREYJA. Take me to Valhalla!!"

If done correctly, you will be the envy of all your friends and family. Not only will they initially think you're ill and give you more attention, but once they realize what you're doing they will be impressed with your in-depth knowledge of Scandinavian folklore.

5. Vertical Sitting

You may know it by its more common name: standing. Also known as Heaven's Ladder, this technique is a new and innovative form. It can be used anytime; anywhere, with little-to-no special equipment or restrictions. You can sit virtually anywhere. You can sit for the national anthem, or sit in line to see your parole officer. Musicians now get sitting ovations. The possibilities are endless and you already know how to do it.

Happy sitting. Look out for bedsores.

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