Black Market Hatchimal prices soaring. Also, what the eff is a Hatchimal!?
Hatchimals have officially stolen Christmas. Sadly, like many thieves, home invasion is their MO. Not that the Hatchimals themselves are to blame, mind you. BTW, when I'm thinking of the invasion I'm thinking of Gremlins: the similarities between Harchimals and Mogwai are considerable. They're both anthropomorphic cryptozoological creatures. They both need to be cared for following a very specific set of instructions. And they inevitably turn Christmas into something of a nightmare.
If you like irony, you'll like this: even though Hatchimals are the absolute "it" toy on every kid's (and parent's) mind, they're absolutely nowhere to be found. They've been sold out at most major retailers for weeks and Spin Master LTD, the company who sells them (the same company that sells Etch-a-Sketch), won't be able to meet the colossal demand by December 24th. There's even been an apologetic pop up on the Hatchimals' page since October but it was recently updated:
Don't panic, parents! The Black Market can help you in your time of strife. It provides tough-to-get items like guns, drugs, human organs, and now, you guessed it: Hatchimals. Sure, you say, as you dodge another parent on your way out of a store that also yielded no Hatchimals, but what's the hatch? Well, the hatch is that instead of paying the 70 bucks Hatchimals retail for, you're going to have to pay an arm and a leg (note: I don't know a lot about the Black Market, but this may actually be valid currency) for this season's sweetheart.
If you hold your limbs too dear, however, you'll have to shell out between $250 to $100,000 (seriously) for what have quickly become the most expensive eggs since Fabergé. Or, you could hit up one of the many profiteers who were capitalistic and crafty enough to stock up on Hatchimals a few months back. Profiteers like the brothers Zappa or famous Water for Elephants author, Sara Gruen. The Internet has not been kind to these clever few, but they're too busy counting their Hatchimal guap to care. Again, Black Market or not, be prepared to be raked over some Christmas coals.
Or just get your kids some toboggans and a wooden rocking horse. Kids totally love old analog stuff.
If you still don't know what a Hatchimal is, don't sweat it, neither did I until I was assigned this piece. I'm betting that if you're in the dark, you, like me, don't have young children. Here's the lowdown: a Hatchimal is what would happen if a Kinder Surprise and a Furbee had a baby. They come in an egg and demand to be cared for and coddled. And in case you skimmed through to this point, all kids must have them.
If your kid wakes you up in the middle of the night with wide eyes so glazed Tim Horton would be proud, involuntarily scratching their arm and the back of their neck it's because they want Hatchimal eggs, need Hatchimal eggs.
There are steps to caring for these coveted creatures: you have to coddle it and tilt it (yes tilt it) until it hatches. Then you have to play games with it, teach it how to talk and walk as a toddler and again as a kid, then raise a dowry and marry it off, counsel it through a rough divorce, care for it while it dies and then shell out a couple grand for the funeral. The coffin? You guessed it: egg shaped. The actual steps are all here.
Orphaned creatures needing care have always been a popular children's toy. Not sure why. Maybe because nurturing is in our DNA if only by virtue of the fact that we love cute stuff. Tamagotchi, Cabbage Patch Kids, Pokemon, pet rocks. We're all slaves to the love and maintenance of the cute. Fact. Studies have been done. The quality of crippling cuteness was pegged half a century ago by Nazi psychologist, Konrad Lorenz. He called it Kinderschema. Yes, Nazi scientists studied cuteness but focus, you have Hatchimals to acquire!
If you do manage to beg, borrow, buy, or steal a Hatchimal this season, be it an Owlicorn, Draggle, Burtle, Penguala, Grizzlodile, Octopig, John Stamos (okay the last three aren't actual Hatchimals), don't worry, it will be cared for. At least until something cuter and newer comes along. Likely just in time for next Christmas.
*the haunting cry of an Owlicorn wanes in the distance*
Marc Beaulieu is a writer, producer and host of the live Q&A show guyQ LIVE @AskMen.