Worker's Comp response to Captain Hook's claim

REASON FOR FILING:

Loss of right hand by Captain James Hook, and subsequent feeding of hand to a crocodile (crocodylus niloticus) by one Peter Pan (non-employee).

CLAIM AND DELIBERATIONS:

The plaintiff was fairly uncooperative throughout this process.

For example, the panel was required to meet with him on the sea rather than in our usual offices. We were treated with courtesy and offered unlimited limes and lemons to "ward off the demon scurvy" (although this was unnecessary as we were there for a mere 60-minute appointment, and we're not permitted to accept such, er, "gifts," should they risk influencing the outcome of the process).

Plaintiff also focused almost exclusively on discussing and apportioning blame for the loss of the hand, which is to be examined by a separate board and requires a separate filing. This information was conveyed several times to Hook, whose only reply was "but me hand! He took me hand!"

This panel had already agreed with this statement in principle several times, and did not require a re-statement regarding what had happened to he hand. His hand, rather.

VERDICT:

Though the panel is sympathetic to Hook's incident and the effect it must have had, his decision to turn to pure evil and revenge (his words, not the words of this panel), is troubling.

That said, the panel is deeply aware of the potential effects of workplace trauma and its subsequent effect on behaviour (upsetting reports of Hook's exploits pre-hand-loss notwithstanding). We are committed to working with him to remedy and compensate him for this unfortunate loss.

COMPENSATION:

We reiterate, as we did to Captain James Hook in his official hearing, that we could not be more willing to fund a replacement of the hand to make it possible for him once again perform all his usual tasks.

With the current technology, and with more advances being made in the field of prosthetics every day, he could be provided a highly capable technological marvel that would make most of his daily activities just as easy to carry out as before, albeit while also making his last name less deliciously apt.

We would recommend that post-replacement, Hook pursues a life on the right side of the law rather than the wrong side, but this is merely a recommendation from the panel and would not be a condition of replacing said hand.

We can, however, by no means assent to Hook's request to "Bring me the hand of Peter Pan, so that I may use it to replace what he took from me, or merely do with it whatever I will."

The Workplace Safety and Insurance Board is not equipped to carry out such elaborate (and likely criminal) missions and arrangements, nor would the hand of Peter Pan even make for a viable option for transplantation (not least because of the drastically differing sizes and shapes of the two men's hands/forearms due to varied elements including Hook's rich diet and subsequent gout, and possibly because Hook is a full-grown man and Pan a child, or so he told the panel in a deposition [he seemed quite adult to most members of the commission].

The panel does not feel comfortable providing the plaintiff with liquid monetary compensation for the limb, not only because of the seeming frivolity with which he treats such a suggestion (referring to it frequently as "booty" or "loot") but also due to his clearly stated intentions to use the money not to fund a new extremity but to "even the score."

The decision now lies in the plaintiff's hands, and he has 60 days to report to the board.

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