Trump appoints catastrophic oil spill as head of environmental protection
NEW YORK, NY–Amidst a flurry of controversial cabinet decisions, Trump's recent appointment of a disastrous oil spill to oversee the Environmental Protection Agency has baffled activists and economists alike.
Trump announced the news today at a press conference in his home that he held in a large room made of solid gold, because his medium-sized solid gold room was being cleaned by a woman Trump says is named "Mexica….Mexicana….Mexico Lady, probably."
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"I considered several oil spills to head up the environment portfolio," Trump told reporters this morning. "That Gulf of Mexico one. That Exxon-Valdez one they had. But you know what? They're both too small. They're both huge losers. Mark my words: THEY ARE TINY, SCRAWNY LOSER OIL SPILLS. So I caused a bigger one. Yesterday I did it. You know what I mean. I personally ordered 300 million gallons of crude oil to be dumped off a ship. Into the Arctic Ocean. Now that's a real winner. That's my guy."
Ducks!- Donald J. Trump
Trump says he feels confident constantly all the time about everything, but more specifically, that the catastrophic oil spill will "do a fine job of protecting the environment, whatever that is."
When asked by a reporter how exactly a toxic disaster that's permanently decimated the ecosystem could possibly be considered a steward for nature, Trump replied, "That's all I will say on this issue. My assistant only put that one sentence on my teleprompter."
"Ducks!" he suddenly added, apparently trying to prove that he understands what the environment even is. "But we don't need to worry about ducks. I'll get you five thousand of those yellow bath ones. Made in China. Cheap. I can have 'em here by tomorrow morning. Fly 'em here in an otherwise empty 747. You know what I mean about that. China knows what I mean. I'm important."
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