6 ways to avoid your family at a family wedding
So your 15th cousin is getting married before you. Congrats! Mazel Tov! Hooray! Bienvenue!
You're happy for them. You're very happy for them. You're just very unhappy for yourself, who will have to spend another wedding avoiding everyone you're related to, as well as family friends/family acquaintances/people who served you coffee once in 2005, etc. in order to make it through the evening without someone asking you when you're getting married next.
Don't let another open bar go to waste. You need a game plan and we've got it for you.
1. Go British
Think the upper class of Britain like to wear hats to weddings because it's always sunny in the UK? No. It's overcast and raining 12 months a year. The hats help them hide from their family. Invest in a grande chapeau and spend the night unrecognizable to your family while also enjoying a convenient place to hide appetizers for later.
2. Switch teams
An overzealous groomsman may have spent two weeks memorizing the guest list, but tell this tuxedo-wearing do-gooder to step aside so you can sit on the opposite side of your family during the ceremony. They'll quickly start going through the list of ways they may have offended you and spend the rest of the night bringing you 'I'm sorry' drinks and desserts.
3. Lie
If you have a significant other, now is the time to promise to do that thing they've been wanting to do in order to get them to pretend you guys are engaged. It's not a lie if you believe it, so fake it 'til you make it… to the cake.
4. Fake a date
Speaking of faking, we have a plan for you singles out there as well. Some call them your platonic work-friend, some call them a person you've been on one date with, and some call them escorts. Whatever you call them, bringing a date who will agree to say the two of you are on your way to marriage will make the rest of the evening much more bearable.
5. Wear white
Besides sleeping with the bride, sleeping with the groom, falling on the cake, making a drunken speech, and accidentally punching grandma, the greatest wedding sin you can commit is wearing white. Sport a white outfit and your family will be too embarrassed to go near you all night.
6. Three words:
Flesh. Coloured. Earplugs. Spend the evening smiling and nodding.