5 reasons I forbid Hollywood from making a new Indiana Jones movie

Yes, I heard the news about the new "fourth" Indiana Jones film. (I don't acknowledge the existence of The Crystal Skull. Shocked? GOOD.)

I am a reasonable man. I can accept that the original Indiana Jones movies were pitch-perfect masterpieces. Yes, this includes Temple of Doom, which my nephew Cassidy called "worse than eight bung holes."

But that same relentless, horny nostalgia for the past makes me un-horny and FURIOUS for the future of the I.J. franchise. Here are some reasons why:

1. It's "Indiana Jones," not "Indiana Bones"

A couple years ago Harrison Ford went to the doctor and the doctor said, "I hate to tell you this, but you're becoming a skeleton." Well, yeah, he's 73 now.

As old people get older they revert to skeleton mode. And earth to idiots: Indiana Jones hunts skeletons. He isn't a skeleton himself.

2. My childhood was pleasant and I deserve to feel pleasant always

When I was twelve years old my parents got me my own computer. There were many kids at school who didn't get computers, and that made me feel superior and special. This is why it's hard when events occur beyond my control, and why I must stop them, even when they're frankly none of my concern.

3. The left-leaning liberal media elites are behind this

I don't need another stupid movie pushing the big media liberal agenda at me. What's next? Indiana Jones gets married to a MAN? Like who, Short Round? How old is Short Round now? Hold on…

Okay, apparently Short Round is 45 years old. Plenty old enough to marry. Maybe even too old.

4. I was kicked out of the axe-throwing league

So I threw my axe at a rock dove. I missed, didn't I? So it bounced off a stump and lopped some of the best toes off our team Captain Denny "Brazil" Morgan.

Now I'm off the team? I'm the one who gave you the nickname "Brazil," buddy. (Denny's from Brazil.)

So HAVE FUN ruining the legacy I left you. Sound familiar, Indiana Jones?

5. I don't feel I have personal power

For the last seven years as I approach Short Round age, I've steadily lowered my standards when it comes to romance. And yet, somehow the women I date are constantly breaking it off with ME.

Some of the younger guys at work are getting promoted and when I asked my boss about it he called me Bastion, which isn't even my name. I think that's the name of the kid from The Neverending Story.

NEWSFLASH: That story DID end, and not very well, either. Let's NOT make the same mistake with #IndianaBones (someone please get this hashtag off the ground.)