10 excuses to use in a Star Wars lineup
As a kid I was obsessed with Star Wars.
The first girl that I brought into my room glared at my row of still-in-the-package Empire Strikes Back action figures on my wall and whispered "ew."
But I didn't care, I was a kid and I didn't need girls. Han only had Chewie and he seemed perfectly happy.
But as an adult I can't have the same fan boy glee I once had for the majestic wars in the stars.
Adult Star Wars fans are viewed as outcasts of society. Pimply Cheeto dipped in hummus basement-living, sunlight-hating outcasts. And with The Force Awakens coming out this December how can I, and other adult closet Star Wars geeks…err…experts, wait in line opening night without being judged by the harsh glare of society and our loved ones?
1. Oh I'm taking my nephew, he's a big geek
Always blaming your geekiness on a non-existent nephew is a flawless plan and always has been. If someone you know catches you lining up outside a theatre, a simple "I'm just a good uncle taking his superfan nephew out," will puck heart strings and erase all suspicion. If it's a friend of yours it's very likely they didn't even know you had a nephew, and if they do know, there's no way they know what your nephew looks like. If they demand proof of nephew, claim he's in the bathroom, or better yet, just tousle the hair of a youngster in your immediate vicinity.
2. Oh I thought this was a camp ground
Undoubtedly there will be sleeping bags, tents, and cardboard shacks housing Magic: The Gathering tournaments littering the line up for the new Star Wars release. All you have to do is slither into one of the groups while wearing a sleeping bag. If anyone asks why you're there, just pretend you thought you were camping. Once people tell you it's a line up for the new Star Wars, mumble to yourself "well I might as well stick around, I'm already here."
3. Oh I thought this was a human rights protest
These days, protests are everywhere. Who's to say there isn't a long group of people protesting the high price of movie tickets? It's an issue you are forever passionate about. Make some picket signs, stand in line and voice your opinion that Cineplex is a corporate killing machine and every human deserves the right to reasonably priced entertainment. When you get to the front of the line, happily buy your ticket and make a high pitched squealing noise because you're excited to see an X-Wing.
4. Oh I thought this was a line up for the toilet
A pretty lame excuse, but believable considering how long bathroom line ups can be. Although, it'll be hard to convince people you were waiting 22 hours to pee.
5. Oh I'm on a call, give me a second
Fake a phone call and drift into line unknowingly, even though you know exactly what you're doing. Talk loudly about a bunch of fake really cool things you do in your life to make yourself sound like a big deal that doesn't even need this line up: "Oh yeah, buy two more boats and make sure both are full of pulled pork." If anyone you know sees you, just say you're on a call and can't be bothered. Also, bonus: If you're loud and obnoxious enough people might ignore when you butt in front of them, just so they don't have to be around you and your loud pork boat deals.
6. Oh I'm writing a Ted Talk on Star Wars and the human response
Everyone loves a Ted Talk, they can be on any topic, anyone can do them and guess what, YOU'RE doing a Ted Talk and no ones going to call you out on it. If they do, tell them to talk to TED.
7. Oh I'm just breaking in these new shoes
Now this one's a bit of a stretch. It'll be a tough sell to convince people you're just "wearing in your new pair of chucks", but if you explain that they're made from a specific type of material that grows stronger the more weight is distributed on them for the first 24 hours after purchase people might just leave you and your fancy future shoes alone.
8. Oh I'm sleep walking
You're sleep walking. No one's supposed to wake a walking sleeper, they could die or explode or melt or whatever gossiping kids at the back of the school bus believe these days.
9. Oh I clean movie projectors for a living
Do you? No, you don't. But who does? No one knows. I'm sure someone out there has to. If you tell people you are that person, who's going to say you are not? Why are you waiting in line if you work there? You're taking a poll of people in line asking them if they enjoy a clean movie projector.
10. Oh *sneeze uncontrollably*
If someone asks why you're in line for Star Wars start sneezing uncontrollably. Never stop. Don't stop until you're inside and you see 'Star' and 'Wars' on the movie screen. No one bothers a sneezing person. If you sneeze enough, people will give up on having a conversation with you and leave you alone. Also, I heard somewhere that eight sneezes is equivalent to one orgasm… maybe don't advertise that part out loud while you're in line.