How Dying for Sex challenges our ideas of a 'meaningful death'

Based on a true story and a popular podcast, Dying For Sex is a new TV show that asks us to think hard about what we'd do if we only had months or years to live.

The new dramedy stars Michelle Williams as Molly, a woman who decides to leave her husband after she receives a diagnosis of Stage 4 metastatic breast cancer. From there, she embarks on a journey of sexual liberation with the support of her best friend and caregiver Nikki, played by Jenny Slate.

Jen Pogue is an actor and producer living with Stage IV metastatic breast cancer. She shared her story about coming to terms with her diagnosis on the podcast Women On Screen Out Loud, available here.

Sophie Kohn is a writer and comedian based in Nelson, B.C. She was also a primary caregiver during her mom's battle with cancer.

Today on Commotion, Pogue and Kohn join host Elamin Abdelmahmoud to share their thoughts on how well this series captures the surprising truths of a terminal cancer diagnosis, and what it gets right about living with the disease.

We've included some highlights below, edited for length and clarity. For the full discussion, listen and follow Commotion with Elamin Abdelmahmoud on your favourite podcast player.

Elamin: Jen, do you want to talk about what it was like for you watching the first couple of episodes of this show?

Jen: Yeah. I mean, I was honoured for the opportunity to watch it, for sure. I have to say that I usually tend to go to TV and film and books to escape my reality and not just centre in on it. A friend in the cancer community had sent me the trailer for the show just last week. It was kind of the first time I heard of it, to be honest. And my immediate reaction was just like, "Let me guess, she has cancer." There wasn't a lot really pointing towards it that would really make me want to watch the show, until I learned the story behind the story. So then I started watching the other day, and I binged it. It's so well done. It's hilarious. And I'm so grateful I got the opportunity to experience it and talk about it today.

Elamin: Before we get into the show or get to you, Sophie, I just want to talk about that reaction that you had, the "let me guess, she had cancer" thing. Is that a common experience for you in terms of being sent media that just sort of has characters with cancer in them?

Jen: Oh, yeah I'd say that it's very common, because I have not seen the use of a cancer narrative done very well in most films. I feel like it's used as just a dramatic tool, and they don't go into the details. They don't authentically represent the experience of what people are going through, through cancer. And I think it can be really confusing to someone who's maybe just learned that they have cancer, about what their experiences are going to be moving forward.

Elamin: Sophie, when you think about all the different movies, and TV shows and books that deal with cancer, what is this show doing that is completely unique compared to the rest of the cancer stories that are so often told? 

Sophie: Well I think in life and in art, we have this very romanticized idea of what a meaningful death should look like. And I think a lot of the stories that we see around cancer deaths are like, you should use the final months or years of your life to have meaningful, soulful connections with people. And you should forgive all your estrangements, and you should reconnect with all the people that you have grudges against, and you should spend your time in art and traveling the world and all this kind of thing. 

Having a bunch of random sex with people on the internet that you don't know is not typically part of our collective idea of what constitutes a meaningful life, let alone a meaningful death. And so I think one thing that this show is doing that feels really unique and refreshing —  especially for a female protagonist — is this idea of just unapologetically pursuing sexual pleasure, and that being a meaningful death, and that being valid and that being something worth pursuing.

You can listen to the full discussion from today's show on CBC Listen or on our podcast, Commotion with Elamin Abdelmahmoud, available wherever you get your podcasts.

Panel produced by Jess Low.